i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
