it was like his penis was on wheels.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
