there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
