I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
