Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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