I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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