if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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