I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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