He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
