Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize
