tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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