Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
