life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
