Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
We need a shit load of segways right now
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
