Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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