Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
