eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
