tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
