So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Randomize
