My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
