For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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