Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
where are my eyebrows?
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
