I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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