You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
