please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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