I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
