My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
