I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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