She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
