if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
worst night to have a conscience
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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