ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
