Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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