just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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