It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
