can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
