just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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