I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
