I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
