The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Semen is not good for contacts.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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