what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
