You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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