Ambien. No doubt about it.
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Randomize
