I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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