Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Randomize
