the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Randomize