Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
not ubering you a puppy
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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