I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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