so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
