my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
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