I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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