roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
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