ugly people sure do ruin things
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just invented taco cereal.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
