I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
