I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
