Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
