I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
high people should be assigned attendants
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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