I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
