I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
